I’ve spent a lot of this year reckoning with the past. There’s a part of me that thinks my time in Berlin is coming to a close, that a new adventure awaits, or maybe an old one. There are some bills that have to be paid.

Many years ago, I stopped talking with my family and these connections have only started to regrow. One of my younger brothers was getting married this spring and he wanted to reconnect. I talked with Christine, my wife, who told me she wanted to go to the wedding, regardless of how awkward it might be, so I planned for a month back in the states. I packed my suitcases full this trip, with books and clothes and belongings whose permanent home will be Virginia once more. It’s a little sad. My bookshelves are sparser now, my wardrobe emptier. Virginia calls me home, but there’s a part of Europe in me still. The weekend I got back, we hosted a Eurovision watch party for my American friends who were blissfully unaware of the greatest song contest on earth.

The next weekend, my wife and I would pack up the car and head north for my brother’s wedding, which took place at a beautiful seaside setting in southern Connecticut. It was good to see my family again, even if the old wounds aren’t fully healed. I’m proud of my brothers and what they’ve done, and they are off to beautiful lives. I’m excited to see what comes next for them.

After coming back from the wedding, I needed to get to work on the house. Last winter I tackled replacing our hallway floors. And in the spring, I took on our laundry room. This project started eight years ago when I woke up with a fit of energy and decided to start ripping out the floors — the bills of the past coming due once again. I only had one corner of the room left to do, but I wanted to put in built-in shelving to make our laundry room into a true utility space. This meant dealing with a lot of complex drywalling. It was a huge pain in the ass, but I got it done, and it looks great. All that remains is to rehang the door and the trim.

That would have been the end of the story and my travels, but I told you already that this post is about the debts of your past. There’s a really big event in my past, and a really large unpaid bill: Unite the Right.

For the last several years, cases have been built to bring the Charlottesville tiki torch marchers to justice. A little known and never tested law, Virginia §18.2-423.01, prohibits the burning of an object in a public place with intent to intimidate. It’s an anti-KKK law that has never been tested in court. Last year, the Albemarle County Commonwealth’s Attorney indicted several well-known torch marchers on this law. A few pleaded guilty and a few are trying to fight the case. After many delays, the first such case went to trial: Commonwealth of Virginia vs. Jacob Dix. I was summoned to testify.

Apart from testimony at Christopher Cantwell’s preliminary hearing, and a very bizarre incident at a bond hearing for the same Crying Nazi where I was only asked my name, I had not gone under oath to testify about Unite the Right. I was never deposed for Sines v. Kessler, lawsuits against me never proceeded to discovery. The neo-Nazis had been salivating to get me under oath. I’m not sure why. My testimony is much more likely to harm them than not. I always expected I’d have to testify some day. I’d mentally prepared for this day for a long time.

It wasn’t as painful as it could have been. The defense attorney did his job well and with a fervor I’d be happy for him to display had he been my attorney. The special prosecutor in this case could have prepared better, but given the short timeframe it’s not a surprise that her materials were limited. The most frustrating thing about the testimony was the poor state of technology. Embedding videos in Powerpoint presentations ain’t it. Lawyers need some computer schooling.

I was certain this testimony would be my last. I was finally set to pay off this debt that I had taken on seven years ago. And then the trial ended with a hung jury. Because of course it would have. The past stalks you like a wolf.

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